Email to Housing and Residence Life at UNCC

Recently, since the cold weather has started to come through, my roommate Alec and I's room has started to become EXTREMELY FREAKING COLD because something is wrong with the heating in our room and neither of us is a fire-bender so we are officially SOL. So, naturally, I emailed HRL department about la problema (that's Spanish for "the problem") but they didn't really make many changes the first time I emailed so I emailed again......with more words......a lot more words. Unfortunately, I forgot to put any words in the "Subject" section of the email so this could very well go unread so I wanted to share it with the world because I think it's great and sometimes having a brain that stops working logically at 8pm works to your advantage. So here it is.......seriously.

"Dear HRL,

My roommate (Alec Newell the Great) and I (Nathan Bruce Seaman the First) live in Sanford Hall Rm. - - -. Before Thanksgiving Break whenst turkey would be consumed, we received a notice to contact you fellows about anything that was wrong with our rooms (cable, heating/cooling, rodent infestations, the usual). After reading said notice, I contacted you posthaste about the absence of heat that had/has been permeating through our vents when it is cold outside and everybody else's heat is working. We used to keep our door open with a fan facing inwards hoping that the warm air from the hall would trickle in like the chocolate river that swallowed Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, but, much to our chagrin, it made virtually no difference and the fan, as you may have guessed, made things even colder. As a result our room was/is always cold (after Thanksgiving Break) and we walked/walk around in pants, socks, shoes, and hoodies all the time and we both have to wear sweatshirts, sweatpants, our matching footy-pajamas, blankets, and socks to bed to keep the ever-advancing cold at bay. 

A few days after I electrically mailed (emailed) HRL, a kind-souled technician, whose name escapes me, came out and inspected the vent. He "fixed a belt" in the mysterious room where all pipes and gauges live to where air started coming out again and I thought, "Shazam!! Huzzah!! Our room shall FINALLY be warm again!!". But unbeknownst to my roommate and I....progress stopped there. After that, the local climate of Charlotte, North Carolina, USA started warming again as is customary for this "crazy Carolinian weather". I figured the heat wouldn't come on until it got cold again because before leaving, that is what the unnamed jack-of-all-trades told us (something about the computer that recognizes temperature outside). 

But now it's cold again and our room: still cold. Like.....REALLY cold. When I went to turn on my computer to send this very email it was freezing and wouldn't turn on until I warmed it up by shining a lamp on it and urging it, "DON'T MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT!!!" At this moment in time, it is unclear to me if we need a separate module of heating equipment such as a space heater or something of that sort to warm our room. But what IS clear to me is that it is still really cold and it seems like most everyone else's rooms around our periphery are normal, happy temperatures. 

Thank you for your attention to my EXTREMELY-long, quasi-novelic, electronic mail (email). I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it (at approximately 2:45am in the morning). We (Alec and I) hope a solution can be reached quickly before we both go into a cryogenic freeze like Han Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back", because although we (Alec and I) both have Princess Leias in our lives. I doubt either of them have the knowledge necessary to unfreeze someone suspended in a cryogenic state. :D 

THE END 

Written and Produced by: Nathan Bruce Seaman the First" 

After getting a response from HRL this is what they responded with......

"Nathan Seaman,

You and your story are awesome! I did enjoy reading it. If you don’t mind, I printed off a copy of it as the best maintenance request ever written. Thank you for giving us all in the Facilities Office a smile :)

P.S. Your request was referred to one of our mechanics."

Sounds like it was a success....

-N8